Do you ever lay in bed at night replaying all the things you didn’t get right as a mom today? The times you lost your patience, forgot something important, or just didn’t measure up? You might be asking yourself:
“Why do I beat myself up every night about being a bad mom?”
“Why can’t I stop replaying the times I yelled at my kids?”
“Why do I feel guilty at the end of the day instead of proud?”
It’s crazy how easy it is to remember the one moment you snapped at your kids—and yet, so hard to remember the dozen of things you did well.
I have good news for you, you are not broken, mama. Your brain is simply wired this way.
And today, we’re gonna to talk about why this happens, how it’s contributing to your mom stress, burnout, and exhaustion. Plus I’m going to give you easy strategies that you can put into place today to start rewiring your mind so you don’t feel like you’re failing every single day.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.”
I also wanted to let you know that if you have a specific questions or issue you’re stressing about, I would love to hear from you - head over to jillgockel.com/ask to send your question directly to me and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Because you don’t need more pressure to do it all perfectly.
You need support that helps you breathe again, stress less, and love motherhood more.
Let me tell you about a night in my house not too long ago. I had managed to juggle five kids through homework, sports practices, dinner, baths—you know, the whole circus. I even remember thinking, ‘Wow, I’m actually keeping it together tonight.’
And then, just as I was tucking in my youngest, she looked up at me with those big eyes and said, ‘Mommy, can you read a book with me?’
I looked at the clock and with school in the morning, it was simply too late. I told her no, gave her big kisses, and told her I loved her as I walked out the door feel like the worst mom in the world.
Just like that, with one little “no”—poof! All the wins of the day disappeared in my mind. Snuggling on the couch together, the clean uniforms, the spaghetti dinner, the fact that everyone was safe and loved—it was gone.
And when my head hit the pillow, guess what my brain replayed? Not the laughter in the car on the way home from school. Not the hugs at bedtime. No—my brain locked in on the one moment when my daughter asked for quality time together and I said no. That’s it. Out of an entire day full of love and effort, my brain picked that one. And I laid there thinking, “I’m failing. I’m not a good mom.”
And I’ll bet you’ve been there too. You do a thousand things right in a day, but it’s the one thing you miss that keeps you up at night stressing. That, my friend, is negativity bias.”
And here’s why this matters—when your brain constantly zeroes in on the bad moments, it doesn’t just steal your peace. It fuels your stress, your guilt, and your exhaustion. In fact, it deeply impacts how we feel in our bodies, and it’s one of the biggest drivers of stress and burnout for moms. You can’t enjoy motherhood when you’re convinced you’re failing at it. Alright, let’s break this down.
Dr. Rick Hanson describes it like this: “The brain is like Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive.”
You can have 99 moments where you show up beautifully as a mom—and one where you lose your patience—and your brain will replay that one moment on repeat.
Psychologists call this the negativity bias— it’s the tendency to notice, remember, and dwell on negative experiences far more than positive ones.
So why does this happen? Well, it’s really interesting, because from an evolutionary standpoint, our survival depended on it. Our ancestors needed to remember the threat of the snake in the grass far more than the pretty flowers they saw along the way.
This survival mechanism was built into our brains. Thousands of years ago, noticing danger was literally a matter of life or death. Our brains learned to prioritize threats over positive experiences.
Now unfortunately, that wiring hasn’t gone away—
So today, that same wiring still exists, but instead of protecting us from lions or snakes, it’s making us dwell on the messy house, the tantrums, or the one moment we lost patience. So in modern life, it just shows up in ways that can feel crushing.
So instead of remembering the sweet hug your toddler gave you, your brain is stuck on the tantrum that they threw in Target.
And while this may not seem like a big deal, it has a real effect on your mom stress, energy levels, and mood.
This isn’t just a mindset issue—it has real consequences for moms.
First, negativity bias amplifies mom guilt. When your brain highlights failures over successes, it convinces you you’re not doing enough—even when you’re doing more than enough.
Studies show it takes at least three positive experiences to counteract just one negative one in your memory. So no wonder the tough moments feel heavier. You’re fighting a neverending battle when you let your unconscious mind focus on the negative moments of your day.
While it’s trying to protect you and keep you alive, it’s actually pointing out all the things you’re doing wrong and that’s simply not helpful. It’s undermining you as a mom and leaving you feeling like you can’t do anything right.
Second, it drains your energy. Neuroscientists have found that negative thoughts actually trigger the amygdala—that’s the brain’s alarm system—releasing stress hormones like cortisol. That means when you dwell on mistakes, your body literally shifts into survival mode. No wonder you feel exhausted at the end of the day, even if nothing ‘big’ went wrong.
Think of it like this: when you end the day focusing on the one meltdown instead of the many moments of care, your brain thinks: “threat still present—stay alert.” That keeps cortisol circulating, which explains why you crawl into bed exhausted but restless, unable to switch it off.
It’s because your amygdala part of the brain, which processes fear and threat, is more reactive to negative input. This heightened vigilance causes the HPA axis to stay active longer, which is a lot of science talk. But all you need to understand is that you are constantly releasing cortisol, that stress hormone.
That means this is why you might replay the one harsh comment you made to their child all day, but barely remember the 20 kind things you did. Your brain flags the negative moment as a “threat” which tells your brain to keep the stress hormones flowing and growing.
Unfortunately there are always negative moments that creep into your day as a mom. How many times do we have to tell our kids “no” out of love and what’s best for them - and there’s negative repercussions to us as the mom? The bad attitude, the pouty behavior, maybe somebody tells us they don’t like us or even hate us.
All of this adds up to chronic exposure to negative moments and that Chronic exposure = chronic cortisol, chronic stress hormones. So as the negativity bias makes moms focus on what went wrong, it keeps your body in a low-grade state of stress arousal.
Research shows that chronic cortisol release is directly linked to exhaustion, mood swings, and even memory problems—symptoms moms often report as “mom brain” or burnout. Mama, negativity bias isn’t just a mindset issue. It’s a physiological stress loop—keeping moms trapped in survival mode.
It steals your joy. It blinds you to the moments that actually matter. The giggles at the dinner table, the messy art projects, the way your teenager still secretly likes when you tuck them in—these are the treasures of motherhood. And negativity bias can make them invisible if you let it.
So what do you do about it? If your brain is wired this way, are you just doomed to replay the worst parts of our day forever? Thankfully, no. There are simple, practical, ways to rewire how your brain stores daily experiences—and that’s where the hope comes in.
Author Roy T. Bennett once said: ‘Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Focus on your character, not your reputation. Focus on your blessings, not your misfortunes.’ And that’s exactly how we begin to break free from negativity bias.
So let’s dive in.
Name it to tame it.
Simply knowing about negativity bias is powerful. Awareness interrupts the cycle.
The next time you catch yourself spiraling on one mistake, remind yourself: ‘This is my brain’s wiring, it’s not the whole truth.’
When you understand that one mistake doesn’t define you as a mother, you start to see that “oh my gosh, you know what? I can forget that one mistake and I can feel good and confident that I’m a good mom. I’m doing the best I can. And my kids see and feel the love I have for them.”
Savor small wins.
Research shows that taking 20–30 seconds to really savor a positive moment helps encode it in your memory, balancing the Velcro effect of the negative. By writing down three small victories each day, it rewires your brain to look for the positive. Maybe you kept calm during a meltdown, maybe everyone ate something green at dinner, maybe you got five minutes of quiet—write it down.
Sometimes I’ll even grab my phone and I’ll just take a picture of me smiling with one of the kids. And that helps me look back at pictures of the day and see concrete evidence that my kids are happy, we had a great day.
And now solution #3.
Shift the Story
Instead of, “I yelled at my kids, I’m a terrible mom,” reframe to something like, “You know what? I had a hard moment, but I also made them dinner, helped with homework, and showed up for bedtime.” Both are true—but your stress drops when you hold the whole picture.
It’s as simple as that. Our story that we tell in our mind, completely frames up our entire life. So if you can create a new story, you can create a new life.
Just try it.
Author Jon Kabat-Zinn said: “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
Mama, you can’t stop your brain from noticing the negative—but you can train it to hold on to the positive long enough to calm your stress and reclaim your joy.
One evening, after a long day, I was replaying all the ways I thought I had failed that day—I’d snapped at the kids, made ABC soup & hotdogs for supper, and been on the computer way too long catching up on bookwork. My brain was running the highlight reel of my failures.
But then, my son came into the living room to give me a big hug and said, “You’re the best mommy.”
And in that moment, I realized something. My kids weren’t holding onto the times I got frustrated. They weren’t keeping score of every little mistake. They were remembering the love. The hugs. The smiles. The presence.
Negativity bias will always try to make us forget the good and fixate on the bad. But God doesn’t call us to be perfect—He calls us to be present, to love, and to keep showing up. And our kids—what they’ll carry with them—isn’t our endless to-do lists or our mistakes, but the love they feel from us every single day.
So tonight, instead of replaying your failures, I want you to remember this: to your kids, you are already enough.
So remember those three strategies we talked about today.
Strategy #1, name it to tame it. Be aware of what’s going on in your brain so you can calm the negativity and focus on the positive.
Solution #2 - savor the small wins. Actually point out to yourself where you have done a win that day. Write it down or snap a picture.
And 3 - shift the story. Change it from a negative story to one that is positive and giving yourself grace.
As this episode comes to a close, I want you to put this into action immediately. Take a moment and name three small wins that you have already done from the day. They don’t have to be big—you made your bed, you gave a hug, you answered a question patiently - whatever that is, mark that win.
Train your brain to notice the good, and you’ll train your body to step out of survival mode.
Philippians 4:8 says: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious—if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
God knows our tendency to spiral into the negative—and He gives us the antidote: refocus on what is good.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, I would love to hear from you! Hit subscribe and leave a review.
And while you’re there, would you share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it? Because we all need a friend to lean on when times get tough.
Also I’d love to hear directly from you—
What’s stressing you out right now?
Where are you feeling lost?
What are the things that make you feel like you’re drowning, or the part of motherhood you wish you could enjoy more?
Go to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest question or struggle.
I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes, so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
