Do your kids bicker from sunup to sundown, and you feel like you’re living in the middle of a constant WWE smackdown? Does it seem like no matter how many times you intervene, they’re right back at it five minutes later? It’s like they fight over everything — who gets the blue cup, who sits in the front seat, or who looked at who the wrong way?
You’re probably sitting there thinking, “I can’t take one more argument in this house without losing it,” Guess what - you’re not alone. Sometimes I wonder if my kids even know how to have a normal conversation with each other without resorting to bickering.
All this constant bicker— it leaves you frazzled, short-tempered, and anxious. Honestly, this behavior is more than just annoying — it sucks the joy right out of your life. Today we’re going to break down why sibling bickering drains you as a mom and what you can do to stop the cycle before burnout sets in.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.”
I also wanted to let you know that if you have a specific question or issue you’re stressing about, I would love to hear from you - head over to jillgockel.com/ask to send your question directly to me and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
This episode features one of our sweet listeners who wrote in about a problem she’s having with her kids that is a daily source of stress. She writes, “Hi Jill, I am having a huge problem at home with my kids. They are constantly arguing and it’s driving me up a wall. Why can’t my kids just get along for five minutes? I have no idea what to do with it. I’m sick of it putting me and my husband in a bad mood. I just want to enjoy my time with my kids. Can you help?”
Alright, as a mom of five, let me tell you — I have heard it all. My kids have argued over Legos, over who gets the last muffin, and even over who breathed louder during a car ride.
And while I want to laugh at the ridiculousness of it, there are days when as a mom, you’re trying to cook dinner with your toddler tugging on your leg, and suddenly you can feel your whole body tense up. Your jaw clenches, your shoulders shoot up, and before you know it — your patience evaporates and you snap.
And it’s not even that you’re mad about anything. But the sound of the bickering feels like it hijacked your entire nervous system. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Here’s the thing — there’s a reason your kids bickering feels so unbearable. It’s not just annoying noise. It’s your brain and body responding in real time to stress contagion.
So your kids’ bickering, it causes a constant conflict in your environment that creates sensory overload for your nervous system. Your brain is designed to notice conflict as a potential threat, and that means when kids fight, your stress response gets activated — whether you want it to or not.
And this means that your body releases cortisol, your stress level skyrockets, your heart rate rises, and your ability to focus, stay calm, and parent well - it drops significantly.
Now we talked all about the effects of chronic stress on your body in last week's episode, so if you want to understand how this constant bickering is really affecting your body on the longterm, then make sure to listen to that episode.
But what I want to focus on today is the fact that you are taking on your kids' energy. Their bickering and negative attitude is flooding your body. This gives new meaning to the phrase, what’s yours is mine.
When your kids bicker, your brain doesn’t just hear it — it feels it. That’s because of something called mirror neurons. These are specialized brain cells that essentially ‘mirror’ the emotions of the people around us. They’re why you might yawn when someone else yawns, or why you get teary watching a sad movie. But here’s the catch: they also mirror negative emotions.
So when your kids are bickering — they're frustrated, angry, worked up — guess what happens? Your mirror neurons fire, and your body starts feeling their stress as if it were your own. This is what research calls emotional contagion or stress contagion. Their fight literally becomes your fight — even if you weren’t involved to begin with and you have no intention of stepping into it.”
Now, here’s why this is so important.
There is a cycle of stress caused by sibling bickering.
First, the arguing starts. You overhear the squabble, the anger, the frustration, the tearing down your kids are doing to each other. Suddenly, your brain’s mirror neurons go to work to ‘catch’ the emotional state of those around you. Your brain literally starts syncing to your kids' anger and attitude.
As your brain takes on the emotions of this fight, your stress contagion gets activated, shifting your nervous system into high alert. So cortisol — your main stress hormone — it spikes. Your heart rate increases. Your muscles tense. And your brain moves into survival mode.
A study from the University of California found that simply witnessing conflict can trigger a stress response almost as strong as being in the conflict yourself. And when this happens day after day, like it often does in homes with siblings, it doesn’t just exhaust you mentally — it can lead to chronic stress, mom burnout, and even affect your long term health.
Think about it: if every bicker, whine, or fight is being ‘downloaded’ into your nervous system, it’s no wonder you feel so drained by the end of the day.
A study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that parent cortisol spikes during children’s conflict mirror the intensity of the fighting — even if the parent isn’t involved. And as we learned last week, chronic cortisol spikes are directly linked to burnout.
So not only are you taking on this negative emotional state, we haven’t even talked about the effects of the constant noise made from the bickering!
We were sitting around the dinner table the other day and instead of having a nice, enjoyable conversation, all 5 kids were bickering with each other. Arguing over what was or wasn’t said. And it was so loud. And that noise? It makes it harder for your prefrontal cortex — the part of your brain responsible for reasoning and self-control — it makes it harder for that part of your brain to stay online. And that’s why you snap quicker or feel “fried” after a day of breaking up fights.
It’s not that you’re impatient or a bad mom, it’s that your brain is short circuiting from the noise. Even after the bickering stops, your brain lingers in stress mode, making you still feel irritable even hours later, when the house is quiet again.
The good news is — you are not powerless here. Yes, kids will fight. But just because stress is contagious doesn’t mean that peace can’t be contagious too. You can train both your brain and your kids’ brains to break the cycle of stress and create more calm. Mama, you literally have the power to flip the script and become the emotional thermostat in your home — instead of the thermometer that’s rising with every argument.
Ronald Regan said “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to handle conflict peacefully.” And that’s what we’re going to tap into today. So here are 3 solutions to break the bickering cycle and reinstating peace in your house.
Solution #1 is Pause Before Reacting
Model the behavior you want. When the bickering starts, take a deep breath before you jump in. Remember, YOU have the power to set the emotional state of your household. And the person with the strongest emotion wins.
Luckily, if you feel like your emotions are teetering on the edge of a cliff, you can take that moment during your deep breath to tap into God’s power and take on his emotion.
John 14:27 says: ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.’
This verse is a reminder that peace isn’t something we have to manufacture on our own — it’s a gift from God that we can invite into our homes, even in the middle of chaos.
So ask God, help me God. Help me to stay calm. Help me to feel your peace. And help your peace flow into my kids. Then, instead of yelling, use a calm but firm voice. Remember — just as your kids’ stress is contagious, your calm is contagious too. Your mirror neurons are wired both ways.
And if the strongest emotion in the room wins - there is no stronger emotion than the peace and love of our Lord God. Mirror him, not your kids, and your kids will mirror you instead.
Solution #2: Ground Yourself Physically
Do something simple with your body to signal calm: unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, or even place your hand over your heart. Research shows that this type of body-based reset helps regulate your nervous system quickly.
I know this sounds silly but have you ever heard of the power posture? This is where you stand with your hands on your hips, your shoulders back, breathing deeply and fully. Think of Wonder Woman. Well, when you hold this Wonder Woman posture for 2 minutes, your cortisol level drops by 25%!
Did you hear that?! Simply by standing and breathing fully like Wonder Woman, your stress level will drop by 25%. Plus your testosterone increases by 20%, giving you more power and confidence to walk into the bickering situation and redirect your kids.
Now that brings us to Solution #3: Redirect Their Focus
Do you remember when your kid was just a baby? When they would cry, you simply made a funny face or handed them a new toy? Instantly their crying stopped, they were intrigued or entertained, completely leaving their negative attitude in the past.
This is because a baby’s brain doesn’t yet have strong self-regulation skills. Their emotions flood in like a tidal wave. And when you introduce a distraction (like a funny face, a toy, or a change in scenery), you literally help their brain shift neural pathways from the amygdala (which is the stress center) to the prefrontal cortex (which is the attention/focus center). This change interrupts the stress cycle.
Well guess what, that strategy still works when your kids are older! As kids grow, their brain develops more self-control, but stress and big feelings still overwhelm them. So the same principles work—just age-adjusted.
Instead of jingling keys in front of their face, it might mean switching the topic, taking them outside, or asking a question about something they love (Like, “Hey, didn’t you want to show me that drawing?”). This gives the brain a new path to follow, easing the stress loop.
You can also distract them with novelty or humor. So something ilke cCacking a joke, using a silly voice, or doing something unexpected can shift an older child’s brain the same way peek-a-boo does for a baby. Humor is one of the fastest ways to release tension.
Also with older kids, distraction works best when paired with movement—running around the block, dancing in the kitchen, or even stomping out frustration together. Physical activity reduces cortisol and resets the nervous system.
So the next time bickering starts, crank up some Weird Al singing “Who’s Fat” and have a dance party. It’ll be so unexpected and incorporates humor and movement, your kids' mood will instantly shift.
And when you do this activity together with your kids, it gives your kids the feeling of connection that they so desperately desire. Just like babies need you more than the toy, older kids calm faster when they feel connected. Your voice, smile, or calm presence cues their nervous system that they are safe. This calms the stress hormones (like cortisol) and helps regulate their little bodies.
Listen, distraction isn’t ignoring feelings—it’s a tool to interrupt stress signals and give kids a chance to reset. Babies cry less when distracted because their brain is pulled into curiosity instead of fear. Older kids need the same thing—curiosity, humor, movement, and connection—to break out of stress spirals.
St. Teresa of Calcutta said, "Peace begins with a smile." Manma, your calm smile can literally change the emotional climate in your home.
Just yesterday, when I was at school pickup, my kids had already hopped into the van while my little one and I were straggling behind afterwards. And as I was buckling her in, my twins were bickering literally the moment they stepped foot in the van. All I could hear was, “you stole my seat, you stole my seat, you stole my seat”. And I asked what was going on- immediately instead of answering, they just traded seats.
So I thought the problem was over. We started driving and suddenly they were arguing again. Arguing about their backpacks, “Oh your back is on my foot, it’s the way”, one kid threw the backpack in the backseat, the other one grabs it, pulls it back forward.
It was like this never-ending cycle and I was starting to get frustrated. I could feel that tension coming in, that stress building up. But I remembered what I’m teaching you right now, and I decided it was time for a distraction.
So I told everybody in the vehicle, “Ok, ok guys, wait just a second. Let’s roll the windows up. Roll the windows up. Ok, we are going to do a competition of making funny noises. When I count to three, make the funniest noise that you can think of.”
And I counted it off and instantly, all five of us were making the silliest noises you could hear. And as I’m looking in the review mirror, one of the twins has his eyebrows going up and down. They’re laughing. They’re smiling. And the bickering was gone.
We all had a stress reset and that was an amazing dose of dopamine, the feel good hormone! And I gotta tell you, even my teenager was participating and laughing along with us. So you are never too old to put these in practice.
So the next time you hear your kids bickering, remember to try the strategies you learned about today. Here’s a quick recap:
Strategy #1, Pause Before Reacting. Take a deep breath. Ask God to help you and fill you with His peace, then let your calmness become contagious to your kids. Remember, the strongest emotion in the room wins, do not let your kids' negative emotions win.
Strategy #2 - Ground Yourself Physically. Do a 2 minute power pose like Wonderwoman. I promise, no one will even notice, you’ll look natural with your hands on your hips, your shoulders pulled back, and taking deep full breaths. And you know what? Even if they did notice, it’s worth it to instantly lower your stress levels by 25%.
And Strategy #3 - Redirect Their Focus. Ask an unexpected question that brings them to a positive place. Take turns telling jokes. Do a cartwheel into the room while cheering. Start a tickle fight. Whatever you do, be a part of the change so your connection reminds your kids that they are safe and loved.
The next time this happens, you’ll feel like you had a major win and will gain confidence that you are a good mom! Even if you have to repeat this strategy 15 minutes later. Over time, you’ll condition your kids to drop the bickering and start enjoying each other.
Matthew 5:9 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”
Mama, with these skills, you are the peacemaker, and you will be blessed by God.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, I would love to hear from you! Hit subscribe and leave a review.
And while you’re there, would you share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it? Because we all need a friend to lean on when times get tough.
If you’d like to be featured on an upcoming episode like we did today, I’d love to hear from you.
Go to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest question or struggle. Let me know—
What’s stressing you out right now?
Where are you feeling lost?
What are things that make you feel like you’re drowning, or the part of motherhood you wish you could enjoy more?
I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes, so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and conquer mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
