Do you ever look around and wonder, “why does it feel like every other mom has it all together—while I’m barely keeping my head above water?”
Maybe it’s when you scroll on Instagram and see the color-coordinated lunches and smiling kids. Or when you sit down at school pickup and hear another mom casually mention the homemade sourdough she whipped up last night.
And meanwhile, you’re wondering why you can’t even remember what’s for dinner. If you’ve ever whispered to yourself, ‘What is wrong with me?’—friend, you’re not alone.
In today’s episode we’re going to tackle why moms so often feel like they’re failing, even when they’re not—and how you can quiet that stressful voice of comparison and overwhelm before it steals your joy.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
I also wanted to let you know that if you have a specific questions or issue you’re stressing about, I would love to hear from you - head over to jillgockel.com/ask to send your question directly to me and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Ok, the other day I was scrolling on Facebook, yes, I’m old & prefer that to Instagram or Snapchat.
So anyways I was scrolling while folding laundry—you know, the multitasking mom life. And there she was: a mom influencer in our town with perfectly dressed with kids, a spotless white couch (um, how??), and a homeschool station that looked like a piece of art.
Meanwhile, I was busy digging socks out of the dryer, praying no one asks me what was for dinner, and realizing I hadn't washed my hair for two weeks.
That’s when the thought hit me: “Why does it look like everyone else has their life together while I’m barely keeping my head above water?”
And friend, I know I am not the only one who’s felt this way.
So let’s unpack why this happens, why you feel like you’re failing motherhood—and what you can do to free yourself from this cycle of stress and self-doubt.
So here’s the problem: moms are constantly comparing themselves to an ideal that doesn’t actually exist. This feeling is deeply connected to how our brains are wired, it’s something that psychologists call social comparison theory.
This is where you automatically measure yourself against others to figure out how you’re doing. It’s a survival mechanism that goes all the way back to caveman times.
But here’s where it gets tricky: when you add in negativity bias—our brain’s tendency to focus on what’s wrong rather than what’s right—you get a perfect storm. You see another mom’s highlight reel, compare it to your awful behind-the-scenes moments, and instantly feel like you’re failing.
Research from the University of Copenhagen even found that people who spend more time on social media are 55% more likely to report feelings of stress and inadequacy, because constant comparison makes us feel like we’re always behind.
So it’s not that you’re actually failing—it’s that your brain is literally wired to convince you that you are. The social comparison theory is something that your brain just does automatically, almost like breathing.
And your brain does it to figure out how you measure up, where you belong, and if you’re “good enough. In ancient times this was important to ensure you stayed in the pack, because being out on your own meant certain death. But in the modern world, that no longer applies and leaves you feeling like a failure when you’re really not.
Listen, here’s the problem: in today’s world, social media and Pinterest-perfect expectations have hijacked this natural process. So not only are you comparing yourself to the mom down the street, you’re also comparing yourself to highlight reels that are carefully curated online. You’re only looking at one piece of the puzzle.
This matters because when comparison piles on, you stop looking at your kids and instead you’re inwardly focused, heaping on shame and guilt for not being the perfect mom. But guys, perfect doesn’t even exist. There is literally no perfect mom out there on the planet.
And your kids pick up on this shame and guilt. But here’s the truth, they don’t need a perfect mom. They need a present mom. But your presence can’t happen if stress and comparison are running the show and you are so focused on yourself & how you’re not measuring up.
Think about it like this, social comparison has a direct effect on your mom stress. It causes your brain to release more cortisol, the stress hormone. And over time, that constant stress response leaves you exhausted, irritable, and burned out.
You’re not just stressed—you are in survival mode. And here’s the kicker: when you’re living in that stress cycle, your kids pick up on it too.
And here’s what happens in the brain:
Your Stress Response Gets Triggered
When you see another mom’s “perfect” life and compare it to your chaos, your amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) lights up. It signals danger—“I’m falling behind, I’m not good enough.” And that activates the stress response and pumps out cortisol.
So with each “I’m not good enough” moment, your brain thinks your safety of belonging is in jeopardy so your stress hormone, cortisol, it spikes. Your brain is trying to give you an edge so you can fight to stay in the caveman pack. But your modern world lifestyle can’t use the increased cortisol so it stays in your body long term. This leaves you feeling edgy, tight-chested, foggy, and easily irritable with your kids—especially in transition moments like after school, dinner hour, bedtime.
It kind of puts scrolling on your phone into perspective. Is it really worth looking on Instagram if it’s gonna give you multiple cortisol spikes all throughout your day? Making you feel a long, flat stress line. I gotta tell you, for me it is not.
Because listen, once your brain’s alarm system is triggered and your body starts pumping the stress hormone cortisol, the cortisol pulls blood flow & oxygen away from the prefrontal cortex of the brain & into the lower brain region.
And here’s what that means for you:
Blood flow and oxygen are no longer flowing to the part of your brain that’s used for:
- Decision-making
- Emotional regulation (keeping calm when your toddler melts down)
- Focus and attention
- Planning and organization
- Impulse control
So instead of feeling in control, you are now running on autopilot because blood flow and oxygen are being directed to the lower region of your brain which is used for survival.
That’s why you feel foggy, indecisive, or disorganized after a long scroll.
Your emotional regulation weakens, so you snap more easily at your kids.
Your ability to plan or prioritize gets fuzzy — making the to-do list feel overwhelming.
And when this happens chronically, like the daily pattern of scrolling on your phone, the neural pathways in the prefrontal cortex weaken.
And this is the scary part: Studies show chronic stress shrinks gray matter volume in that part of the brain— literally reducing your brain’s capacity to focus and self-regulate.
It becomes a vicious loop, which is why moms often say, “The more I compare, the less I feel like I can get my life together.”
Here’s the rundown on how this impacts moms and their kids:
So your Stress Level is impacted: a higher baseline cortisol means that you’re more irritable, you have more tension, and more feelings of overwhelm.
It also affects your General Happiness: The prefrontal cortex also connects with the brain’s reward pathways; so that when blood and oxygen isn’t flowing to that part of the brain, it’s actually harder for you to feel joy. If you’ve ever sat there & wondered, “why do I just feel so unhappy all the time? It’s like I’ve forgotten how to have joy.” This is a big reason why!
This also impacts your Health: so Chronic cortisol wears down your immune system, raising inflammation over time which eventually shows up as headaches, gut issues, and frequent colds. Frequent cortisol surges cause sleep fragmentation making it harder to fall or stay asleep. And your energy tanks because your body is budgeting for threat, not recovery. Stress shifts your body into energy-conservation mode, leaving you feeling more fatigued.
And it affects your Cognition: your Memory, your focus, and the problem-solving ability takes a direct hit.
And here’s the kicker, this actually spills over to your kids. As a mom, you are the modeling behavior for your kids to follow. They say that with kids, more is caught than taught. Kids pick up on our tension, our irritability, and our distracted energy. When you constantly feel “not enough,” your kids absorb that mood—and it shapes how they see themselves too.
Kids regulate through you. And when comparison drains you, children feel the shift:
Co-regulation drops: so you have less eye contact with your kids, less warmth and playful tone—because your cognitive bandwidth is shot.
Your Irritability rises: so there’s more snapping with your kids, more inconsistent limits (and listen, it’s not your character— if you’re wondering, “like, why can’t I just stick with what I say?”, it’s because of your taxed nervous system).
This also impacts Modeling: because Kids learn to measure themselves externally (like grades, likes on social media, appearance). Their seeing that from you. And this can fuel perfectionism, fear of failure, and people-pleasing.
It also impacts how your kids handle the Stress contagion: Your tension cues their little nervous systems. Their behavior may worsen (they might be clingy or defiant) not because they’re “bad,” but because their bodies are echoing yours.
Teddy Roosevelt said that, "Comparison is the thief of joy."
But the good news is, we can train our brains to break free from comparison. We can restore our joy and our kids’.
So here are three strategies we’re going to talk about
Strategy #1 is to Limit Your Inputs
Stop the scroll! Get off of social media as much as possible. Turn off notifications. Delete apps or set a 5-10 minute time limit for how long you can get on social media. I promise you, you will be so busy trying to scroll for posts from the people you care about that you won’t even have time to play the comparison game.
It’ll also help if you curate your feed like you would your pantry. Unfollow accounts that spark comparison, and fill your feed with moms who are honest about mess, chaos, and imperfection.
Strategy #2 is to Ground Yourself in Truth
Have you ever noticed that at the Kentucky Derby, horses have something on their face that blocks their peripheral vision? These blinders prevent the horses from looking around at their competition & focus solely on the road ahead of them. And as moms, we need to do that too. Put blinders on to comparing yourself to others and focus on your journey, not theirs.
Every time comparison sneaks in, pause and remind yourself of this: “Her story isn’t my story. My worth is not defined by her highlight reel.”
And Strategy #3 is to Practice “Social Comparison Reappraisal”
Alright, that is a fancy way of saying: when you notice comparison, reframe it. Shift how you interpret comparison. Instead of saying:
“She’s better than me, so I’m failing,”
you reframe to:
“She’s ahead of me in this area, and that can inspire me.”
Or, “Her situation is different than mine, and that’s okay.”
It’s not about denying comparison, but reinterpreting it in a healthier way. Doing this stops your brain from coding the comparison as a threat and instead turns it into inspiration which lights up your brain’s reward system!
And this is really cool because then your brain releases Dopamine & oxytocin which are feel good hormones! You feel more motivated, focused, and a sense of belonging.
Studies show that emotional connection and peer validation help regulate stress, reduce feelings of isolation, and increase self-confidence.
When you lift someone else up, it lifts you too.
Celebrating others reinforces that motherhood is not a competition—it’s a community.
I’ll never forget the other night when my daughter told me, “Mom, you are rocking this mom thing today!” It took me so off guard, that I asked her, “What?” And she said “You are such an awesome mom!” When I asked her why she said that, her answer was that it was because I was being so encouraging to her, not just saying that the drawing she was working on was great but that I was specifically pointing out the features in it that I liked. And that instead of yelling at my youngest to eat her food, I was being silly making it fun for her to take bites.
My daughter didn’t care that I was doing this while working on the computer, she didn’t care that I yelled at them the day before, she didn’t care that the clean clothes had been sitting in the laundry basket in the living room for more than 24-hours.
What mattered to her was my presence, my mood, and my joy.
And friend—that’s what your kids want too. They don’t want a Pinterest-perfect mom. They want you.
Here’s the bottom line. Social comparison isn’t a character flaw—it’s a brain default that, in a modern, always-on, highlight-reel world, can quietly crank up mom stress, drain your energy, fuzz your thinking, and leak into your kids’ nervous systems. When you lower the comparison inputs and raise regulation outputs, you restore the prefrontal cortex, your mood lifts, patience returns, and your home gets lighter—without adding one more “perfect” thing.
So the next time you find yourself feeling like you’re failing as a mom, stop and remember those three strategies we talked about today.
Strategy #1 - Limit Your Inputs. Anytime you get on social media, set a 5-10 minute timer to prevent yourself from spiraling down the comparison trap.
Strategy #2 - Ground Yourself in Truth. Her story is not your story and in fact, you’re only seeing a small highlight of her true story. Another mom might look like she has it all together but you didn’t see her snapping at her kid before they left the house.
And Strategy #3 - Practice “Social Comparison Reappraisal”. Reframe your story so instead of comparing yourself to her, you become inspired by here.
As this episode comes to a close, I have a challenge for you, think about that mom you hold on a pedestal, the one who seems like she has it all together, and remind yourself that “Her story isn’t your story. Your worth is not defined by her highlight reel. And you are a good mom, right now, flaws and all.”
That one phrase can shift the stress chemicals in your brain and rewire the way you see yourself.
As Galatians 6:4 says: “Each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason to boast in regards to himself alone, and not in regard to someone else.”
This verse reminds us that your worth isn’t found in measuring against others, but in faithfully living your own calling as a mom.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, I would love to hear from you! Hit follow and leave a review.
And while you’re there, would you share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it? Because we all need a friend to lean on when times get tough.
Also I’d love to hear directly from you—
What’s stressing you out right now?
Where are you feeling lost?
What are the things that make you feel like you’re drowning, or the part of motherhood you wish you could enjoy more?
Go to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest question or struggle.
I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes, so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
