“Why does my child’s shyness make me feel like a bad mom?”
“How do I help my shy child try new things?”
Friend, if your child clings to your leg at drop-off, hides behind you when other kids say hi, hesitates to jump into group activities, or struggles with homesickness when away at a sleepover, you are not alone.
Many moms lie awake the night before milestone events like the first day of school, summer camp, or even something as small as a play date wondering: Will my child be okay? Did I fail them because they’re not outgoing like other kids?
Today we’re unpacking why having a cautious, shy, or “slow-to-warm-up” child can feel so stressful as moms — and how you can support your child, whatever their age, without losing your own peace in the process.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
I also wanted to let you know that if you have a specific questions or issue you’re stressing about, I would love to hear from you - head over to jillgockel.com/ask to send your question directly to me and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Recently, a mom reached out to the podcast for help with stress caused by having a cautious observer or shy child starting kindergarten. When your child is shy or cautious in social situations, it can be so hard on moms, whether it’s your little one starting kindergarten, your middle schooler going away to summer camp, or your older kid struggling meeting new people. Something kicks in for moms, a deep desire to protect your child from the pain they’re going through.
Out of 5 kids, I would say that I have 2 that are more cautious and shy in social situations. I remember the year one of them started preschool and it was a daily struggle of tears and complaints of not wanting to go. It hurt my heart to take him, even though I knew it was best and that he wouldn’t be alone at school with several siblings in other classrooms. But this didn’t stop me from feeling the stress and pain all day long that entire first year of school. Even today, several years later, if I hear that he was all alone at recess, it still breaks my heart.
Now you may not have a kindergartener or a shy child, but I want you to listen to this and put it into perspective because there are going to be times in your life where your child is suffering and you want to rescue them from that pain, but it’s not always possible. Understand that the stress response and the strategies apply across the board.
And to my listener who wrote in for this week’s episode, I just want to say that while your little one starts Kindergarten, remember that it's not just your child who’s navigating this big milestone - it’s you too.
Here’s the thing: When you see your child clinging to you, face buried in your shirt, and tears welling up in their eyes at kindergarten drop-off, or crying on the phone begging you to pick them up on day one of summer camp, something primal stirs within you. That’s your protective instinct kicking in — and it’s wired to your biology.
Moms are biologically and neurologically designed to protect their children. Research shows that when a mom hears her child cry, it activates the brain’s alarm system and the part of the brain that processes emotional pain. This is why your child’s distress doesn’t just tug at your heart — it actually hurts.
Your body responds with a surge of oxytocin (which is the bonding hormone), and that intensifies the urge to comfort and shield your child. At the same time, your stress hormone cortisol rises, priming you for fight-or-flight to protect your child. Your heart races, your stomach knots, your muscles tense — every cell in your body screams, Don’t let them suffer. Fix it. Protect them.
Now how this shows up for moms is that:
You might freeze up at drop-off, unable to let go when you know you need to.
You might feel a strong urge to rescue your child from discomfort, even if you know the situation is safe.
You might find yourself arguing with yourself internally: I know they’ll be fine once I leave, but right now it feels like I am abandoning them.
This constant push-pull between protecting your child and encouraging their independence creates cognitive dissonance — those are two conflicting truths in your head:
So Truth #1 says: My child is safe and needs to learn resilience.
While truth #2 says: My child is terrified, and I must protect them.
That dissonance spikes stress hormones even more. And we know that chronic activation of this stress response can leave you feeling:
Physically exhausted because your body is revved up all day every day like it’s running a marathon.
It’ll leave you feeling mentally foggy because blood flow is being pulled away from your rational, calm decision-making part of your brain.
And you’ll feel emotionally drained because oxytocin and cortisol are battling each other, leaving you both feeling bonded and burned out.
Kindergarten makes this especially hard because it is one of the first big “separations” that feels outside of your control. It’s not like leaving your child at grandma’s for a few hours — this is every day, with new teachers, new kids, and unfamiliar routines.
Your protective instinct screams, If they’re begging me not to go, maybe they’re not ready. But the reality is, this is a milestone you can’t delay without consequences. That tension — between what your instincts want and what the situation requires — is what makes you feel torn in two.
It’s not just about sending them to school or summer camp. It’s about reconciling with the fact that you can’t protect them from every discomfort, and that sometimes love looks like letting them be stretched in safe, small ways.
So why does this matter beyond drop-off tears?
Well, when you carry guilt about your child’s shyness, you stop enjoying milestones and instead dread them. It robs your joy.
And stress at drop-off can spill over into the whole day — leaving you drained, irritable, and distracted for your other kids and responsibilities.
Not to mention, kids pick up on your anxiety. If they see you tense, they internalize the idea that something is wrong. Research shows that parental anxiety is a strong predictor of how a child adapts in new environments. So the calmer you are, the more you actually help your child in these situations.
So how do you calm your stress, support your child, and reframe the way you see their discomfort?
Fred Rogers said: “Love is at the root of everything — all learning, all relationships, all parenting.”
Your calm, loving presence is more powerful than anything else as your child spreads their wings and goes boldly into new situations.
So here are 3 strategies that help you navigate those new situations, calm your stress & support your child.
Strategy #1 is to take a deep Grounding Breath Before Drop-Off.
Inhale for the count of 4, hold it for the count of 4, exhale it for the count of 6.
When stress hits (like your child clinging at kindergarten drop-off), your body shifts into fight-or-flight mode. Heart rate rises, muscles tense, and cortisol floods your systems.
So, a slow, grounding breath helps your body transition into what’s called the “rest-and-digest” system, which calms your stress response.
This also slows your heart rate and lowers blood pressure—making you feel steady instead of panicked.
And when you breathe deeply, you get more oxygen to your prefrontal cortex of your brain so that that will help improve your focus and clarity, letting you respond with wisdom instead of snapping in frustration.
A few grounding breaths will give you space between the trigger (your child crying) and your reaction. That pause reduces regret later—because you parented from calm instead of chaos.
Strategy #2 is to Anchor in the Truth.
Remind yourself: “My child’s discomfort is not a sign of danger. Growth comes through safe struggle.”
Lean into the truth of scriptures. Isaiah 41:10 says: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God.”
Although you can’t be there to protect your child, God can use this as an opportunity to help your child grow and develop beyond what would be possible if you saved them from their discomfort.
Scripture provides an anchor—something unchanging to hold onto in the swirl of worry. Reading or repeating a verse gives your mind a “safe place” to land instead of spiraling in anxious thoughts.
Now while leaning into scriptures doesn’t magically erase the stress of sending your shy child into a big new world, it will give you something stronger than fear to hold onto. And that calms your body, reshapes your thoughts, and reminds you that you and your child are not alone in this. That grounding allows you to show up with more peace—which your child will feel and mirror.
And Strategy #3 is what to do after dropoff is over. Talk, Don’t Scroll.
Instead of doom-scrolling, text or call a trusted mom friend. Social support lowers cortisol levels by up to 30%.
When you talk to a friend who gets it, your body literally changes. Studies show social support lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and activates oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This makes you feel calmer, more connected, and less overwhelmed.
When another mom says, “Oh my gosh, me too,” your brain relaxes. The feeling of being understood lowers the sense of isolation—which is one of the biggest amplifiers of stress.
Social support acts like a release valve for the mental load—you don’t carry everything in silence. And when you feel supported, you show up calmer, happier, and more present with your kids.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is let your child struggle in a safe space, knowing growth is happening in the discomfort.
This was a hard life lesson that I had to learn myself the year that my daughter went to summer camp on the whole other side of the state, she called daily in tears multiple times a day, so stressed about homesickness and being uncomfortable and the one thing I wanted to do was get in my vehicle and drive there immediately to save her from the pain, but I knew if I did that I would be robbing her of the opportunity to have growth, to become a new person.
And so I didn’t do it as hard as it was instead I did those three strategies that we talked about.
I took grounding breaths when we got off of the phone. I anchored in the truth with scripture nonstop, praying continually to God, asking the mother Mary, who knows what it’s like to watch your own child struggling and suffering, and asked her to help relieve my pain, to help guide me and what to do.
And I put in place strategy number three instead of doom scrolling like I wanted to so that I could zone out and not feel the pain of leaving her at camp- I called and talked to another mom who helped me work through the emotions & not feel alone and to be reminded that I am doing the right thing.
You can do this too.
Don’t go another day, letting the stress and anxiety rule your life as you watch your cautious or shy child struggling with social situations.
One thing for you to do immediately, before your next drop-off is to pause for 60 seconds. Put your hand on your heart, take one grounding breath, and repeat: “God is with me. God is with my child.”
And that tiny shift will help you walk away with more peace—and model calm confidence for your little one.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, I would love to hear from you! Hit subscribe and leave a review.
And while you’re there, would you share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it? Because we all need a friend to lean on when times get tough.
I’d also love to hear directly from you—
What’s stressing you out right now?
Where are you feeling lost?
And what are the things that make you feel like you’re drowning, or the part of motherhood you wish you could enjoy more?
Head over to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest question or struggle.
I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes so you get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
