Why don’t my kids listen to me? What do I do when my child ignores my guidance? How do I stop the stress and frustration when my kids don’t want my advice?
If you’ve ever felt frustrated, worried, or even powerless when your child ignores the words coming out of your mouth, you are not alone.
Today, we’re going to tackle exactly why this is so stressful for moms, and what you can do to calm the anxiety and frustration while in the midst of this struggle.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe that motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
Also, if you have a specific question or issue you’re stressing about, head over to jillgockel.com/ask to submit your question and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Whether your child is 2 years old or 42 years old, I’m sure that you can relate to the frustration of trying to solve your kids’ problems and them refusing to listen to your advice. Between worrying that this is going to lead to a life of your child being irresponsible or playing out the potential consequences from your child making a decision that you know is wrong, stress takes its toll and it’s exhausting.
Recently, a listener wrote in and said: “One of my biggest stressors right now is allowing my adult child to figure out life—being supportive in every way, offering suggestions when requested, but not telling her what to do.”
Watching your kids walk straight past your advice, whatever their age, is like standing on the sidelines of a game—you can see the play unfolding, you can see the danger coming, but they won’t take the help you’re trying to give. It makes you want to scream, cry, and bubble-wrap them all at the same time.
Sometimes it’s almost comical—like, If only they would’ve listened to me, this could have been avoided! But deep down, it’s not funny. It’s exhausting, and it can feel like they don’t respect you, value your wisdom, or even hear you at all.”
Let’s talk about why this is so stressful for moms, what’s actually happening in your brain and body when your kids don’t follow your advice, and how you can lower your stress levels without trying to control every outcome.
Here’s the problem: When your child doesn’t listen, or gets mad at you for giving advice, it hits at something deeper than just being ignored. It feels personal. It feels like a rejection of your care, your effort, and even your role as mom. You pour so much of yourself into guiding them, and when that advice is dismissed, the brain perceives it as disrespect, even if that’s not the child’s intention.
When this keeps happening, moms often start questioning themselves: Am I failing? Do my kids even value me? What did I do wrong?
That perception sends your stress response into overdrive. Your heart races, your body tenses, and cortisol levels rise. What should’ve been a small disagreement suddenly feels like an all out battle, because your brain interprets it as a threat to your authority, your identity, and your bond with your child.
And even worse, it can feel like you’re losing the ability to protect your children. And for a mom, that’s one of the most stressful feelings in the world.
As a mom, you’re hardwired by evolution and biology to protect your child. Human babies are born extremely dependent compared to other species. And if moms weren’t hyper-attuned to danger, their babies wouldn’t have survived.
When your brain perceives your child (whatever the age) is struggling and might be at risk, it instantly goes to work trying to protect them from harm. You’ve spent your life protecting them and have way more life experience than them, so naturally you want to share that wisdom with them.
And when your child ignores your advice, your brain interprets that as danger. It’s as if the alarm bells are screaming: If they won’t listen, I can’t keep them safe. And that sets off your stress response. Cortisol rises, your muscles tighten, your heart rate jumps. You’re suddenly in fight-or-flight mode—over homework, over friendships, over their job performance.
Neuroimaging shows that when a child cries, a mother’s brain activates the same areas as if she herself were experiencing distress. Your body’s oxytocin hormone connects you to your child’s wellbeing throughout their entire lifetime - so when your child hurts, oxytocin deepens your urge to comfort, making you physically feel some of their stress.
I have a friend whose adult child was going through a divorce and he was hurting so bad. Emotionally he was wrecked, wasn’t eating, and had fallen into a deep depression. I watched that stress and pain manifest itself through the mom. His pain was literally her pain.
When your child refuses your advice, it’s not just about disobedience. It’s about your deepest drive as a mom clashing with their independence. And that clash leaves you feeling powerless, drained, and guilty.
And the guilt can be heavy. Mom guilt is directly linked to higher stress, more fatigue, and even difficulty concentrating. It affects your energy, your mood, and your productivity. It’s not just emotional—it’s physical. And when you live in that cycle too long, it can tip you into mom burnout.
Because deep down, many moms carry the belief: If I can’t protect my child from feeling pain, I’m failing as a mom. Which means every ignored piece of advice doesn’t just feel frustrating—it feels like failure.
Eventually instead of connecting, you find yourself lecturing. Instead of encouragement, you feel nagging creep in. And the cycle just feeds itself. The more they don’t listen, the more you try to control—and the more you both end up frustrated.
But mama, here’s the truth: you were never meant to control every choice. Your role isn’t to live your child’s life for them—it’s to guide, to model, and to love them through the choices they make.
So what do you do? How do you cope with the stress of letting your kids figure life out on their own?
Mark Twain once said,
“Good judgment is the result of experience, and experience is the result of bad judgment.”
Your kids need space to make mistakes, because that’s how they learn. And you need peace in knowing that your job isn’t to prevent every mistake, it’s not to prevent all pain—it’s to be their safe place when they fall.
Here are 3 strategies to help you reduce the stress when your child isn’t listening to your advice.
Strategy #1 is to let go of the “Should”.
When you hold onto the expectation that your child should listen to your advice, you’re setting yourself up for an internal tug-of-war. Every time they push back, every time they choose differently, your brain interprets that gap between what “should” happen and what actually does happen as failure.
That gap is where stress lives.
And it doesn’t stop at stress. When the “should” goes unmet, moms often internalize it as guilt. You start telling yourself: If they didn’t listen, maybe I didn’t say it right. Maybe I’m not a good enough mom. Maybe I’ve failed.
But here’s the truth—your worth is not measured by whether your child follows your advice.
When you release the “should,” something powerful happens: stress eases, guilt loosens its grip, and you create space for curiosity, connection, and peace. Instead of thinking, They should listen to me, you can shift to, They’re learning. They’re figuring this out. My role is to guide, not control.
Psychologists call this cognitive reframing—and research shows it lowers cortisol levels and helps regulate emotions. In other words, letting go of “should” is not just a mindset trick. It’s a stress-reducing, guilt-releasing tool that rewires your brain to respond with calm instead of tension.
Strategy #2 is to Shift from Fixing to Listening.
When moms live in “fixing mode,” stress is high because fixing puts all the responsibility on you—as if your child’s success or failure depends entirely on your advice. Mama, that pressure can cause so much mom exhaustion, especially when your child doesn't want your advice.
But when you approach your child with the intent to listen, rather than fix, you’re shifting from control to curiosity.
That shift lowers stress because it takes you out of the pressure-filled role of “problem-solver” and puts you in the role of “safe place.” This lowers cortisol and adrenaline because you are no longer bracing for every possible mistake. It also increases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which makes you feel closer to your child instead of stuck in power struggles. You and your child will start to enjoy the relationship more because you’re connecting heart-to-heart instead of butting heads.
Think about it this way: Fixing believes “I need to control this outcome so my child doesn’t get hurt.” Listening operates with curiosity trying to uncover the answer of what’s really going on. You begin to work through life side by side with your child rather than both fighting for control
This change doesn’t just protect your child’s growth—it protects your peace. Research on parent-child communication shows that when parents practice active listening, both children and parents report lower stress and greater relationship satisfaction. Listening relieves the tension in your home, but it also relieves the tension in your heart because you’re no longer carrying the unbearable responsibility of making every decision turn out “right.”
So here’s the key: let curiosity be the bridge from fixing to listening. Instead of reacting with stress when your child doesn’t take your advice, lean in with: “That’s interesting, tell me more about why you want to do it this way.” That one question removes the stress of unmet expectations and builds the trust that keeps the relationship strong.
Strategy #3 is to Trade your Negative Belief for a Positive One.
Your thoughts shape your body’s stress response. When you believe “If I don’t step in, my child is going to get hurt,” your brain interprets that as a threat. Cortisol rises, your heart rate races, and you stay stuck in anxiety.
But if you replace that thought with “My child is learning, and I am still a loving mom even my child fails,” your brain releases dopamine and serotonin—neurochemicals linked to calm, confidence, and resilience.
Neuroscience shows that thoughts shape the pathways to your brain. By practicing a new thought, you literally create new neural pathways, making it easier to feel peace instead of panic.
When you replace negative beliefs with empowering ones, you lower cortisol (the stress hormone) and boost dopamine (the motivation and joy hormone). You’ll move out of fear-driven parenting into peace-filled parenting.
This shift lightens your mental load, reduces guilt, and increases gratitude for the relationship you’re building with your child.
Hodding Carter said,
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings.”
When your child doesn’t take your advice, it’s not rejection and you’re not failing at your job of protecting them. On the contrary, you’re letting them try out their wings while proving a safe place for them if they fall. And there is nothing more loving than that.
I think about a time when my son completely ignored my advice about studying for a test. I was frustrated—so frustrated. But instead of fighting with him, I let go of the should. When I stopped thinking that he should have listened to me, I stopped taking on the responsibility that I needed to fix the problem. I was flooded with relief. The tension left my body, the headache went away, and I could finally breathe again.
That’s the trick here. There are going to be times in your life as a mom that your kid will not listen to your advice. But if your goal is to conquer stress and live a life of peace, you’ll learn to let go of controlling the outcome in your child’s life, turning away from fear-based parenting while leaning into that peace filled parenting.
When your kids don’t listen to your advice, the stress comes from feeling rejected, disrespected, or like you can’t protect them from pain. But you can move out of that stress by remembering those three strategies from today.
Strategy #1: Let Go of the Should;
Strategy #2: Shift from Fixing to Listening; and
Strategy #3: Trade a Negative Belief for an Empowering One.
This will give you the peace you need to stop protecting every decision and lead your child into their own opportunities to learn and grow.
Here’s your challenge for today:
👉 Grab a pen and a piece of paper. When you think about your child not taking your advice, write down the negative belief it stirs up in you. Then next to it, write a positive belief that is more true, more empowering, and more freeing.
You might write down something like, “my child is going to fail if they don’t take my advice”. Pay attention to the tension that creates in your body. Then swap it for a new thought and write down, ‘My child is going to learn a valuable lesson from this, and that will help him in the long run.’
Can you feel the tension lift a little? That’s not just wishful thinking—it’s your brain and body aligning with peace instead of panic.
Keep that note where you will see it this week—on your mirror, in your journal, or even as the background of your phone. And every time the old belief sneaks in, read the new one out loud. Over time, your brain will default to peace instead of panic, freeing you from stress.
Proverbs 22:6 reminds us:
‘Train the young in the way they should go; even when old, they will not swerve from it.’
Our job isn’t to force every step—it’s to guide with love and trust God with the rest.
Remember, you don’t have to control every choice. You just have to show up with love, wisdom, and faith.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, hit follow and leave a review. That lets me know that these episodes are hitting the topics you need.
And while you’re there, share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it. Your thoughtfulness might just be what she needs to get through the day.
Also if you want help with the exact challenges you’re facing as mom, head over to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest mom stressor. I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
