Do you ever finally work up the courage to say “no” to something… and then spend the rest of the day beating yourself up with guilt? You can’t enjoy the free time because your mind keeps spinning: “Did I let someone down? Are people judging me? Am I a bad mom for not doing it all?”
Mama, I hear you. Saying no is one thing—but to actually let go of the mom guilt? That’s where the real freedom is.
Today, we’re gonna talk about why guilt hits moms so hard when they say no to things and what it does to your body and mind. Plus how you can finally let go without carrying the weight of shame.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
If you have a specific questions or issue you’re stressing about, head over to jillgockel.com/ask to send your question directly to me and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Let me take you back to a few years ago. I remember sitting at my kitchen table, staring at an email request asking parent drives for a school field.
I had twins at home, a mountain of laundry, and my to-do list was taller than me. I knew in my bones that saying yes would push me into survival mode. So I did the hard thing: I said no.
But the second I hit “send”, instead of feeling relief? I felt guilty. I sat there replaying it over and over in my head. “What will the other moms think? Am I letting my kid down?”
My chest tightened, my stomach knotted, and I heard this ugly little voice in my head whisper, “Everyone’s going to think you’re the lazy mom. The bad mom. The one who doesn’t care.”
And here’s the truth—no one said anything. Not a single person cared. But I spent days spiraling in guilt.
That guilt drained me more than the volunteering ever would have. And that’s when I realized—saying no is only half the battle. Learning to let go of guilt? That’s where the peace comes.
Mom guilt—that little monster in your mind—it’s not just a feeling. It’s a belief system. And if you don’t deal with it, it robs you of peace, drains your energy, and keeps us chained to responsibilities you were never meant to carry.
So here’s the problem: Saying no is hard enough. But the real battle comes after—the flood of guilt that makes you want to take it back.
Why do moms feel guilty for saying no to things? Psychology tells us it comes from internalized beliefs. Many times you grow up equating love with self-sacrifice. You were taught that a “good mom” gives endlessly, even at her own expense. Social expectations pile it on: social media highlights the moms who “do it all,” culture tells you that your worth is in your productivity, and family dynamics often reinforce that moms are the default fixer, helper, and caregiver.
Here’s what research shows: A 2022 Pew Research survey found 67% of moms said they feel pressure to be involved in their child’s life at “all times.”
You see, moms often tie their worth to meeting every need. If the fridge is empty, if the homework folder isn’t signed, if the fundraiser slot goes unfilled—your brain translates that as, “I failed.” It’s not just, “That didn’t get done.” It’s, “I am not enough.”
Moms feel responsible for every unmet need. If your kids want something, if your spouse is stressed, if the house is a mess—moms interpret those gaps as personal failure. And when you do say no, that guilt rolls in fast and heavy.
Instead of seeing an unmet need as something neutral or shared, internalized guilt causes you to absorb it as a reflection of your values as a mother. That belief—that a “good mom” should meet all needs, all the time—is not only impossible, it’s crushing.
And the mom guilt doesn’t just live in your head. Your body feels it. Your energy pays the price. It’s physical. It’s mental. It’s spiritual.
A 2020 MIT study found that caregiver guilt amplifies stress in every area—physical, emotional, even financial. Moms who feel guilty report more exhaustion, more overwhelm, and less ability to enjoy daily life. And it makes sense, if you’re mentally beating yourself up minute by minute day after day, it takes a toll on your body.
Think about being in the boxing ring with yourself. Your mental self is throwing punch after punch about how you’re a bad mom because you said no. That punch connects with you and you are eventually beaten down, worn out, and unable to get back up.
Have you ever seen a professional boxer after he lost a fight? He is defeated, shoulders down, gasping for breath, barely able to take another step. That’s what you’re doing to yourself when you let that internal dialog run rampant in your mind.
And think about how it shows up in daily life. When mom guilt is heavy, your energy drops. It’s like your nervous system never gets to rest, because guilt keeps you on edge, pumping cortisol, keeping your body in fight-or-flight. That’s why even after a full night’s sleep, you still wake up tired.
Your mood takes a hit too. You notice you’re more irritable, more anxious, quicker to tears. Suddenly your child spills juice and it feels like a catastrophe. That’s not because you’re a bad mom—it’s because the guilt of saying no to something has drained your patience.
Your focus gets scattered. You forget appointments, you re-read the same email three times, you burned dinner because your brain is too busy replaying the moment you said no.
And the irony? Guilt sabotages productivity. You think doing it all will make you more effective, but the guilt of not doing it all actually wastes your time and energy. You second-guess yourself, you redo tasks, you lose momentum.
So while it feels like guilt is pushing you to be better, what it’s really doing is robbing you of your peace, your health, and your joy.
So how do we let go without guilt? Because yes, you can say no—but if you’re drowning in guilt afterward, it’s not real freedom. Real freedom is releasing the guilt, too.
Guilt doesn’t have to run the show. You can learn to let go—not just of the tasks and responsibilities, but of the shame that follows. And when you do, you don’t just get your energy back. You get your life back.
Mother Teresa once said:
“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”
Notice she didn’t say do everything for everyone. She said love your family. And love doesn’t demand you burn yourself out to prove your worth. Love starts with having the ability to show up fully for your family, not perfectly for them.
So here are three simple strategies to saying no without feeling mom guilt for it.
Strategy #1 is to Replace “No” With “Yes to Something Better”
You need to reframe what “no” actually means. So many moms see “no” as a failure. But saying no to things is a gift! Every time you say no to something that drains you, you’re saying yes to something that matters.
So instead of seeing “no” as failure, see it as a boundary that protects your energy for what matters most. When you say no to the extra commitment, you’re saying yes to the patience during homework or yes to being present with your child at bedtime without rushing. And that opens you up to what you want the most, a loving connection with your child.
This is such a powerful strategy because it shifts your brain from loss to gain. Research on cognitive reframing shows it reduces stress responses and builds resilience. Plus it lights up your reward center of your brain, reinforcing that your “no” was the right choice.
Strategy #2 is to Identify the Belief Behind the Guilt
When guilt creeps in, pause and take a moment to hear the lie that your brain is telling you.
Ask yourself: “What story am I telling myself?” Write it down, then challenge it.
Maybe the story you’re telling yourself is that a good mom never misses a game when the truth is that your kids would rather have a mom who’s waiting at home smiling and ready to talk with them than a mom who shows up for the game but gets home exhausted and checked out.
Guilt thrives on unspoken beliefs. Exposing those negative beliefs allows you to replace them with life-giving truths—like “A good mom says no so that she can make time to show up with love.”
When you do this, you stop the fight or flight cycle that is putting you in chronic stress and move your body into the parasympathetic nervous system which is the “rest and digest” function of your body. This new, empowering belief lowers your heart rate, decreases blood pressure, and increases digestion function. You’ll feel the tension melt away.
And Strategy #3 is to Stop Reading Minds
One of the biggest reasons for mom guilt is that you immediately think people are judging you. But the truth is, you have no idea what people are thinking and you’re making a HUGE assumption that they’re judging you. Most of the time people are thinking more about themselves than they are thinking about you.
There was a study done in 1999 that had a group of college students wear a really embarrassing shirt to class. The students thought at least half of their peers would notice the embarrassing shirt but, in fact, only a quarter of their classmates remembered seeing it. And let me point out, this study only tracked whether students remembered seeing the shirt, not what their opinion of the shirt was!
Understand that when you assume that people are negatively judging you, you are trying to read their mind. You would be surprised to find that some of these moms are actually impressed by your decision to say no! And some will be envious of you.
So do yourself a favor and stop trying to read their minds. Or flip the script like we did in strategy 2 and turn it into a positive assumption.
In the words of John Spence,
“When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.”
Your biggest strength lies in your ability to control the narrative that’s going on in your mind. When you look for the good, you find it in yourself and your mom guilt will dissipate.
This past year, another field trip opportunity popped up and this time when I said no, I did it with confidence. And when I inevitably felt the guilt starting to creep in, instead of falling into the mind reading trap that my child was going to be so disappointed, I stopped and checked in with her.
And do you know what I found out? She didn’t care in the least that I wasn’t going. That was all the confirmation I needed to own my “no” without the mom guilt!
So the next time you start to feel guilty about saying no, remember those three strategies we talked about today.
Strategy #1 - reframe your “no” to acknowledge you are saying yes to something more important, like space to enjoy motherhood.
Strategy #2 - identify the belief behind your mom guilt & turn it into a more empowering belief like saying no means someone else gets to show off their skills.
And Strategy #3 - stop mind reading. People probably aren’t spending more than 10 seconds thinking about your “no”, so stop making it more than it really is.
As this episode comes to a close, here’s your challenge, think about the “no” that’s silently eating you up inside and write down what saying “no" is allowing you to say yes to in your life. Hold onto that. Because that’s how you break the cycle.
Romans 8:1
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
That includes you. Mom guilt is not something God intended for you. Jesus does not condemn you for not doing it all, so don’t fall into the trap of condemning yourself. You were meant to live in God’s grace and saying “no” is the perfect opportunity to exercise that grace.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, hit follow and leave a review. That lets me know that these episodes are hitting the topics you need.
And while you’re there, share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it. Your thoughtfulness might just be what she needs to get through the day.
Also if you want help with the exact challenges you’re facing as mom, head over to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest mom stressor. I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
