Have you ever had those days where you just wish your family would act differently? Like they would be kinder to each other, kinder to you, or see the messy home around them and help you out without being asked or complaining?
Your kid's behavior can be one of the most frustrating things in the world and an instant trigger for stress, frustration, and anger.
Which ultimately leads to moms feeling helpless, overwhelmed, and exhausted. And that’s not what you need when you’re trying to do all the things as a mom and maintain your kids’ happiness.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe that motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
Also, if you have a specific question or issue you’re stressing about, head over to jillgockel.com/ask to submit your question and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
One of the hardest parts of motherhood is the intense duty you feel to protect your kids from pain. Your love takes this role to heart and is constantly scanning your environment and your child’s behavior to identify anything that could lead to pain in their future.
When I was growing up, my giant emotions were something that led to so much pain in my life. I felt everything and felt it big. Those emotional highs and lows would stick with me all day long. If something didn’t go my way, the rest of my day would be ruined as I sulked in a foul mood.
So when my daughter hit middle school and began showing some of the same behaviors, I instantly noticed and knew that she was headed towards a direction that would leave her unhappy and isolated. And I did not want this for her.
Day after day I observed this behavior and was so stressed about how to help her. That stress ultimately caused me to snap at her the moment I noticed her mood turn. I was constantly on edge, waiting for the moment each day she would get into one of her moods. It was horrible.
And all of this was coming from a place of love, trying to help her and protect her from feeling pain in the future.
But I sat there wondering, why was she acting like this? Her hormones were making her so emotional. And everywhere I looked, tween attitude was the answer so I better get used to it. But seeing her unhappy, was making me unhappy too.
Do you ever want your kids to behave a certain way but it feels like the way they act is the complete opposite?
Why is that? And how does that affect you as a mom?
Well here’s what happens to so many moms:
You want your kids to be kind, respectful, and helpful… all the things that are going to give them a healthy, happy, successful life.
But based on your past observations of your kids, you know they are going to argue with you, ignore you, or sass back.
And your brain is like a little GPS system — steering you towards whatever you’re focused on.
It’s kind of like when you buy a new vehicle and suddenly you see the same vehicle all over town. Your brain recognizes that this new vehicle is important and starts pointing it out to you everywhere you go.
Well, when your brain expects stress, attitude, or conflict with your kids, it will actually start scanning your environment and your kids’ behaviors for proof that it’s right.
That’s why if you think your teenager has sass, every time you ask her to do something, you’ll notice she rolls her eyes. This is because your brain is logging it as evidence that your kid is disrespectful.
It’s called confirmation bias — and it’s your brain’s way of saying, “See? I knew it!”
Unfortunately the more your brain expects a certain behavior, the more it subtly reacts to it — faster, sharper, with more emotion.
It’s like your stress response is on standby before the problem even starts because despite how you want your kids to act, you are expecting that the thing you don’t want to happen is going to happen.
Here’s the thing… in life, you don’t get what you want… you get what you expect.
This may be surprising but your thoughts create your reality.
Listen, your thoughts are not just ideas floating in your head — they’re actually neural signals that trigger emotions, behaviors, and even changes in your body chemistry.
Your brain is a prediction machine. Its number one job is to keep you safe. So when you expect things like — “My kids never listen,” or “This morning’s gonna be chaotic,” — your brain starts looking for signs of this, even if nothing’s happened yet.
This is called predictive coding, and it’s your brain’s way of preparing for what it believes is about to happen. This is known as your expectations.
Your body follows your thoughts.
So once your brain predicts stress, it releases hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, signaling your body to go on high alert. Your heart beats faster, your breathing changes, and your muscles tense — all before your child even says a word.
Your behavior mirrors your expectations.
When you expect attitude, your tone automatically becomes more defensive. You sigh heavier, your patience shortens, and your face or posture communicates frustration.
Your child’s brain, which is wired for emotional mirroring, picks up on your tension — and responds with tension. It’s a vicious cycle.
Now both of you are reacting to each other’s stress, and boom — it confirms your original thought: “See? I knew this would happen.”
That’s how your thoughts literally bring your expectations to life.
So how do you shift this?
Henry Ford once said,
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.”
The same is true in motherhood:
Whether you think your kids are going to act with kindness or attitude, you’ll find what you’re looking for.
So if the problem is that you get in life what you expect, not what you want, then the solution is to start expecting the behavior that you want!
But that’s easier said than done.
Because 95% of your thoughts run on autopilot! That’s why you typically don’t even realize that your expectations are different from your desires. They are subconscious thoughts that are happening without you even thinking about it.
But the good news is, there are 3 strategies you can use to harness the biology of your brain to change what you’re expecting so you can create the life you desire!
Strategy #1 for aligning your expectations to your desires is to:
Uncover Your Subconscious Thoughts & Expectations
This is a tricky one because you can mislabel your desires as expectations.
I would tell my kids all the time, “I expect you to talk to each other with kindness and respect.” But in reality, I was telling them how I WANTED them to act, when I was actually expecting them to bicker, complain, and tear each other down.
You can uncover your subconscious expectations by simply paying attention to what’s coming out of your mouth.
Luke 6:45 says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
The words you are saying are a huge indicator of your expectations. If you’re talking with a friend, and complaining about how messy your kid is, that’s a clue that you’re expecting your kid to be messy and not clean up after themselves.
That feels backwards, though, doesn’t it? It seems like you are observing a behavior first and then voicing it afterwards.
But the reality is you are voicing the behavior you expected. It was the behavior that your brain was looking for through its confirmation bias. And what you observed was simply evidence that your brain was pointing out that you were right.
So when you hear yourself complaining about a behavior, realize that you are voicing your subconscious expectation. Once you become aware of that expectation, it stops the spiral of stress in your body and puts you into a calming state so you can show up more peacefully for your kids.
And not only that but once you become aware of an expectation, you have the power to change it.
Strategy #2 is to:
Speak the Expectation You Want
This is where you are going to stop declaring the observations you’ve seen in the past and start expecting a different behavior.
Remember, your brain’s job is to prove that whatever you think or say is correct.
So stop thinking and talking about the behaviors you don’t want! That keeps you in the stress loop, constantly primed for flight or flight, using your body’s energy to prepare for a conflict that hasn’t even happened yet.
Every time you bring up those old behaviors in your mind or out loud, you are telling yourself the lie that your kid is going to continue behaving this way.
You are not a fortune teller. You cannot see into the future with 100% accuracy. So you don’t know without a doubt that this behavior is going to continue.
However, if you use these past behaviors as a predictor of the future, your brain will prove you’re right. Do you see how your expectations create your reality?
Instead, focus your brain on the behavior you desire so that it can go to work finding evidence that that behavior is true. You do this by speaking about the behavior you want to see instead of the past behavior you don’t want. You’re in essence encoding your brain with a new expectation.
Make a conscious effort to point out to your children how they are behaving in the way you want. You can say something like, “Thank you for being so respectful and following directions when I asked you to put your clothes in the laundry basket. I really appreciate that, it helps me so much with keeping the house picked up.”
When your brain hears those words, it will double down on finding all the ways your child is being respectful, following directions, and helping around the house.
Not to mention, you interacting lovingly with your child, which causes your brain to release dopamine and serotonin — the “feel good” bonding chemicals.
Those chemicals lower cortisol, slow your heart rate, and make you more patient and warm.
Your tone softens, your body language relaxes — and it fosters a closer connection with your child. This leads to less mom guilt and less feeling like you’re failing as a mom.
As a bonus, research shows that the brain loves consistency, so when your child hears your positive expectation often enough, they subconsciously start to rise to meet it.
Every school day, I ask my five kids to get their shoes on, fill up their water bottles, grab their backpacks, and hop in the van. I can’t tell you how many times only one kid has taken action right away while the others keep playing. The moment I boast about this one child, thanking them for following directions and getting their shoes on, the other four come RACING in so they can receive positive reinforcement too. It’s hilarious.
And this positive reinforcement boosts your reward center part of your brain, giving you a quick burst of energy, confidence, and self love. You really do feel like a good mom in that moment.
And Strategy #3 to making your expectations aligned with your desires is to:
Utilize the Power of Prayer
Sometimes you don’t have the opportunity to speak your expectations to others, you’re so far down the spiral of expecting their past behavior that you can’t point out the positive ways your child is acting.
That’s where God comes in. Ask him daily to bless your child with the behavior you desire and to help you see evidence of this every day.
As a mom, you can feel consumed about what you need to do differently to help your child. This pressure can become unbearable when you don’t have the solution. Or when the results don’t happen immediately.
That stress keeps you on edge, making you feel worn out and unavailable to your kid because your subconscious is so focused on how to solve this problem.
Going to God in prayer allows Him to fill the gaps with grace, doing the work for you and helping to focus your mind on finding evidence of your new expectation that is in alignment with your desires.
End your prayers with gratitude, thanking God for the behavior you're asking for from your child and for giving you the eyes to see this change.
Colossians 2:7 says that your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.
Thanking God before you see evidence of your prayer is a true act of faith, it declares your trust in him that he will grant you what you ask.
A few years ago, I started a nightly prayer where I say a special prayer intention for each of my kids asking for a behavior I want to see in them and need help creating a new expectation. For my daughter, that prayer is for her (and our whole family) to have healthy emotions.
The longer I said this prayer, the more I began expecting her to behave differently. Instead of fearing she’d spiral into an emotional meltdown and sulk all day, I began to believe that she can manage her emotions in a healthy way.
And you know what? My brain works every day to prove that expectation is correct. Just the other day my husband commented on my daughter being emotional and I responded that she has really grown in her emotional maturity! That she was able to calm herself down quickly and adjust her mood back to one that was positive despite things not going her way.
My brain could have easily seen her initial emotions and used that as evidence that she was on an emotional rollercoaster. But because I had used these three strategies to create a new expectation, I could interpret her actions differently.
And you know what?
That allowed me to show up differently for her! I was calm, patient, and loving as I allowed her to process her emotions instead of snapping at her like I had in the past. We both walked away from the moment feeling good and that’s ultimately what we all want as moms: a family that is happy, connected, and growing together.
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with your family’s behaviors or attitudes, remember these three strategies to create a new expectation and create the life you desire.
Strategy #1: Uncover your subconscious thoughts & expectations;
Strategy #2: Speak the expectation you want; and
Strategy #3: Utilize the Power of Prayer
Use this time to think about one behavior you would like to see changed and come up with a prayer to say daily. Say it. Believe it. And watch what happens.
Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Let your expectations reflect the goodness you want to see — in your children, in your spouse, and in yourself. As you change what you’re focusing on, you body will follow your thoughts and you’ll show up differently for your family, which will eventually lead to them showing up differently for you.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, hit follow and leave a review. That lets me know that these episodes are hitting the topics you need.
And while you’re there, share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it. Your thoughtfulness might just be what she needs to get through the day.
Also if you want help with the exact challenges you’re facing as mom, head over to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest mom stressor. I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
