There is a voice that follows you through your day as a mom. It speaks up when the house is loud, when the schedule starts falling apart, when you lose your patience, or when you collapse into bed at night replaying everything you wish you had done differently.
It’s the voice of self-criticism. Every mom has it. It sounds like constant improvement, but it feels like pressure. It sounds like responsibility, but it feels like shame. This voice is the driving force behind your stress, your increasing level of mom burnout, and the way you show up for your kids.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress—the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel—and I believe that motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
Also, if you have a specific question or issue you’re stressing about, head over to jillgockel.com/ask to submit your question and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
There are times in motherhood where no matter when you do, it never feels like enough. You can finish the to-do list and immediately feel mom guilt that you weren’t more patient with your kids. You can take the time to do your hair and makeup in the morning and then beat yourself up for how fat you look in the outfit you’re wearing. You can get the house completely cleaned up and then feel like you’re failing as a mom because you didn’t spend enough quality time with your kids. You can show up for every school event and every game but at the end of the day, you still feel like you’re failing as a mom.
I remember so many times in my life I have felt like I was failing at everything - I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, a good wife, or a good homemaker. When I was a working mom, I felt like I was a horrible mom for being away from my kids. When I quit work to become a stay at home mom, I felt like I was a horrible mom because I wasn’t helping with the family income. When I worked from home, I felt like a horrible mom because I had a screen in front of my face when I should have been playing with the kids. It’s like I couldn’t do anything right, no matter what season of motherhood I was in.
As a mom, you are constantly evaluating your circumstances and how you’re performing as a mom, trying to identify any area that needs improved to help you be a better mom. Constantly wondering whether, if you were more disciplined, more organized, more spiritual, maybe you wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.
But it’s not your circumstances making you feel like a bad mom, it’s the constant criticism in your own head and it’s keeping you stuck in stress.
Negative self talk isn’t the way towards improvement. It’s a bad habit, a pattern rooted in how the brain responds to pressure, fear, and responsibility.
It’s the internal dialogue that criticizes, doubts, and shames you—especially when you’re trying to grow and improve. Moms experience self criticism at higher rates than most people.
Research shows that over 70% of women report frequent self-critical thoughts, and mothers report even higher levels during times of transition or stress.
And can we just be honest? What part of motherhood doesn’t involve stress?
Motherhood comes with high responsibility, constant evaluation, little margin for error, and unrealistic expectations
So when something doesn’t go as planned, the brain jumps to self-blame.
When you’re being hard on yourself, your brain isn’t actually trying to be cruel. It’s trying to protect you and your kids. At the beginning of a new year, moms tend to be more reflective on how well you’re parenting, looking for ways to improve, and this sets the spiral of self criticism into high gear.
When you start thinking about improving—being more patient, spending more time with your kids, keeping the house cleaner—your brain hears risk. It hears the possibility of failure, disappointment, judgment, or confirmation of that quiet fear that says, “What if I’m just not good enough?” And the moment your brain senses that kind of emotional threat, it looks for control.
That’s where self-criticism comes in. Criticism feels like control. When you say things like, “I should be better at this,” or “Why can’t I get it together?” your brain believes that it’s doing something productive. It thinks, if it pressures you hard enough, you’ll perform and won’t fail.
This makes it feel like you’re taking action towards improvement and being more responsible, even though it’s exhausting. That’s why self-criticism often shows up strongest around things you care deeply about—your kids, your marriage, your health, your faith. You’re not attacking yourself because you don’t care. You’re doing it because you care so much and you’re afraid of messing it up.
Being a mom makes the pattern even stronger because of how much responsibility moms carry without having full control. You’re responsible for your kids, their behavior, their emotional world, the rhythm of the house—but so much of it is unpredictable.
Motherhood is unpredictable, emotionally demanding, and filled with invisible labor. And when life feels out of control, the brain looks for somewhere it can regain a sense of control. For many moms, that control turns inward and says, well at t least I can control myself.
Self-criticism becomes a way to feel in charge again. It becomes a strategy. The brain believes that if it keeps you alert, focused on mistakes, and pushing harder, you’ll avoid failure. So it narrates everything you do with judgment.
What makes this even trickier is that self-criticism feels familiar. It keeps things predictable. And predictability, to the nervous system, equals safety. So even though it hurts, it can feel oddly calming at first. That’s why it becomes a habit.
But the cost is heavy. Over time, living under constant self-criticism leads to burnout, loss of self-trust, and a quiet form of learned helplessness where you stop dreaming or trying because trying has been paired with pain for too long. Your brain starts believing that effort only leads to disappointment, so it nudges you toward survival instead of growth.
But the impact of this inner voice goes far beyond stress.
Negative self talk doesn’t just affect how you feel; it shapes how you live.
Proverbs 18:21
says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
When my kids were younger, we did the Rice Experiment. I’m sure you’ve heard about it. But it’s an experiment from a Japanese researcher who explored how words, emotions, and intention affect the living things around you.
Here’s how it worked, we took three jars and filled them with cooked white rice. We covered the jars and kept them in a closet away from all noise.
Then twice a day we brought out one jar labeled “Good Words” and spoke only kind, encouraging words to it. Once it was put away, we brought out the jar labeled “Bad Words” and spoke rude, complaining, criticizing words to it before putting it away. And the third jar was a control which was left in the closet the entire time.
And you won’t believe what happened?! After a couple weeks, the control jar had gone bad, with a gray look to the grains of rice and a thin layer of fuzzy mold on it. The jar for “Bad Words” was completely rancid. It was pink and black with mold all over it! But the jar for “Good Words” was still white and looked good enough to eat. (Don’t worry we didn’t try it.)
But this was such a good visual for my kids and myself of how words, attention, and emotional tone affect you more than just a fleeting moment or minor hurt feelings, it’s detrimental to your very wellbeing.
Words carry emotional energy. Consistent negativity from self-criticizing words, whether verbal or mental, take a toll on your health, physical, emotional, and psychological. Rather than helping you improve, self criticism is actually accelerating your breakdown of your nervous system.
As a mom, you’re not just thinking these negative thoughts. You’re living inside them! Creating stress and negativity that is constantly chipping away at your joy in motherhood. The environment you create– externally and internally in your own mind– shapes what grows and what decays.
That includes your patience, energy, joy, and sense of peace.
Proverbs 18:7
says, “The mouths of fools are their ruin, and their lips a snare to themselves.”
Your self criticism is literally causing you to set a trap for yourself. Think about it, when you repeatedly tells yourself things like:
“I can’t do this,”
“I always mess up,”
“I’ll never be patient,”
“I’m failing at everything,”
your brain hears danger signals. Not physical danger, but emotional danger — fear of disappointment, fear of judgment, fear of loss of identity. Because the brain can’t distinguish between what’s true and what’s believed to be true, it becomes convinced that your internal narrative is your reality.
This is why a negative internal narrative doesn’t just feel bad — it actually shapes your reality. Chronic self-criticism keeps the stress response activated, which increases your cortisol and adrenaline, keeping the body in a low-grade fight-or-flight state. It narrows attention toward threats and away from opportunities. It reduces capacity for joy, creativity, and connection. And makes it harder to think clearly and solve problems. Plus reinforces a sense of helplessness, because the brain honestly believes “this is just how things are.”
Over time, this creates a self-fulfilling cycle: negative self-talk increases stress, stress drains energy and confidence, and depleted confidence makes it harder to follow through on goals, handle challenges, and show up for your kids with love — which then feels like evidence for more negative self-talk.
This is how your words set a snare, a trap for yourself, making sure that instead of using your criticism to improve yourself, it’s actually trapping you in the exact scenario you didn’t want.
But there’s hope! God gave us a way out of this cycle and it has nothing to do with changing your circumstances but everything to do with changing your words.
Remember death AND life are in the power of the tongue.
So if self-criticism causes death, then self edification causes life. Rather than tearing yourself down in an attempt to improve, you need to build yourself up, strengthen yourself, and the result will be an improved self.
Here’s the shift that changes everything: real control doesn’t come from being harder on yourself. It comes from creating safety. Safety tells the brain, It’s okay to try. And safety is built through tiny steps, realistic expectations, compassion, and grace.
The first step in lowering stress is recognizing that negative self-talk is not a statement of truth, it’s simply a skewed observation that is a habit. So when you hear that critical voice, instead of immediately believing it, pause and get curious. That pause tells your nervous system that you are safe. It interrupts the stress response and creates space for clarity.
Stress lowers when your brain realizes it doesn’t have to stay on high alert. And when you feel safe, your brain opens back up to creativity, persistence, patience, and hope. That’s where real, lasting change comes from—not pressure, not shame, not fear.
Inside this pause, create space for curiosity. What happened to trigger your self-criticism? What behavior or feature is it highlighting? What could this be signaling as a deeper desire in you?
When you begin to gently reframe your self-criticism with curiosity, your brain registers less threat and more safety. This reduces stress hormones, restores cognitive flexibility, and allows space for hope and action. And that allows you to take your self-criticism, turn it into a neutral observation, and use it to develop a positive vision for where you want to go.
Once you’ve used your curiosity to uncover what’s really going on and understanding what you’re dissatisfied with that caused your self-criticism, it’s time to flip it from a negative self-talk into a positive vision or goal that you can set for yourself. And then just like we did for creating a new years resolution you can actually stick with this change. You can take this positive vision and break it down into one tiny change you can make to improve yourself.
Think about the last time you criticized yourself for not having patience with your kids. What happened to trigger this thought? Did your kids get out a bunch of toys and leave them all throughout the house? Did that lead you to yelling at your kids and now you’re berating yourself for not having patience?
What could this situation be telling you about what you really desire? Is the problem that you yelled? Or is the problem actually that you’re upset with yourself for not teaching them to put their toys away?
Once you’ve uncovered the REAL trigger, what does this tell you about what you’d like to see different? If the problem really is that you yelled, do you have a desire to talk with your kids calmly and lovingly rather than losing control of your emotions?
You’re starting to uncover your vision! Get a picture in your mind of how you want to show up for your kids – calm, loving, but firm.
Now what is one TINY action you can take to proactively move towards this vision? Can you commit to taking a deep breath before reacting? Or say a quick prayer asking God to help you stay calm and give you the words to say to your kids. Can you start every morning asking God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and the fruits of the spirit like patience, kindness, and love?
St. John Cantius said it best in his quote:
Fight all error, but do it with good humor, patience, kindness, and love. Harshness will damage your own soul and spoil the best cause.
This quote shows how self improvement is something to be commended but doing it in criticism damages your soul. Instead, use today’s tips to improve yourself through curiosity, love, and self-kindness – get a vision for the person you want to become and step into it with proactive positive action and leave the negativity behind.
I remember early in motherhood, I was a yeller, a door slammer, and a constant nitpicker. My self-criticism was out of control. When I put today’s tips into action, instead of tearing myself apart for yelling, I began to uncover what I really desired, which was to be able to parent from a place of peace and calmness.
I got a vision for the mom I wanted to become, and I began going to God before responding to my kids. It wasn’t long before I felt more peace and was able to respond to my kids without resorting to yelling.
As we end this episode, take a moment to reflect on your most recent self-criticism. Get curious about it so you can uncover the positive vision you want to work towards. And remember, you were never meant to live your life under the rule of constant self-criticism. It’s time to replace that negativity that’s damaging your soul and turn it into life giving words that come from a place of peace, positivity, and kindness towards yourself.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, hit follow and leave a review. That lets me know that these episodes are hitting the topics you need.
And while you’re there, share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it. Your thoughtfulness might just be what she needs to get through the day.
Also if you want help with the exact challenges you’re facing as mom, head over to jillgockel.com/ask — the link will also be in the show notes — and share your biggest mom stressor. I’ll be tackling these issues in future episodes.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
