Have you ever noticed that even when you’re not saying anything… your kids can still tell you’re not okay?
Like, you haven’t yelled. You haven’t snapped. You’re technically “doing everything right.”
But you feel heavy. Flat. Low energy. And deep down, you wonder, Why don’t I feel happier as a mom?
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, I just don’t feel like myself anymore, this episode is for you.
Welcome to Conquer Mom Stress the podcast that helps you stress less and enjoy motherhood more. If you’ve ever crawled into bed at night completely exhausted, but still feel like there’s so much left to do, you are in the right place.
I’m your host, Jill Gockel and I believe that motherhood is meant to feel joyful, not exhausting. Together, we’ll uncover what’s really fueling your stress and give you the practical tools to conquer it—so you can finally feel like the confident mom you were made to be.
Also, if you have a specific question or issue you’re stressing about, head over to jillgockel.com/ask to submit your question and who knows, you might just be featured in an upcoming episode so you can get practical, real-world solutions to the exact challenges you’re facing.
Here’s the problem we’re talking about today:
Many moms believe that if you soften—if you smile, relax, or bring warmth—then their child will think their behavior is acceptable.
So instead, you find yourself showing seriousness all the time. You hold tension in your face. You carry a heaviness in your body. And you withhold joy as a way to communicate, “This is not okay.”
But what actually happens is the opposite of what you want.
That nonverbal tone doesn’t just correct behavior in the moment—it sets the emotional climate of the entire home. And over time, it drains your energy, joy, and peace.
I had a mom tell me one time that she didn’t realize how serious she looked all the time until her daughter asked me why she never smiled.”
That moment gave her so much clarity.
She wasn’t unhappy because she didn’t love motherhood. She loved her kids so much, but she felt drained just being around them because the pressure of raising happy children had put her into constant correction mode.
When you're constantly monitoring what’s going on around you and constantly signaling—without words—when you’re not happy with something: your child behavior, the noise level, the toy mess, the list goes on and on.
And the reality here is that you care so much about being a good mom that motherhood has slowly turned into something else — a constant posture of nonverbal correction.
Matthew 5:14,16 says
“You are the light of the world. Let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.”
You mama are a light of the world. A light that’s meant to let Jesus shine through you. Not just in what you do but how you do it – your tone, presence, gentleness. It’s the spirit behind what you bring into a moment of motherhood.
When your focus is on God, it opens the window to his light shining through you. And when you are tense, consumed by how to handle the daily trials of motherhood, that window shuts and you’re left in darkness stumbling around trying to find your own way through the problem in front of you.
Listen, human nature is to open up in safety and shut down in worry. Moms are not exempt from this scientific truth.
Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface.
When a mom is worried about your child’s behavior, your brain goes into protective mode. Your nervous system starts scanning constantly: What needs to be fixed? What might go wrong? What behavior needs correcting? You are fixated on the problem in front of you.
Your body tightens. Your breath shortens. Your face hardens without you even realizing it. And this isn’t a character flaw. This is stress physiology.
Your body doesn’t know how to correct selectively. It doesn’t turn this posture on and off. Even when nothing’s wrong, your body stays braced when you’re in constant correction mode.
That’s why joy feels out of reach.
That’s why motherhood starts to feel like work instead of relationship.
And children feel this.
Kids don’t experience their mom through logic. They experience her through energy. Through facial expression. Through tone and presence.
When correction becomes your default posture, kids don’t feel guided—they feel managed.
And here’s the painful irony:
Moms who want happy, calm, emotionally healthy children often end up modeling tension, seriousness, and emotional withdrawal… without even meaning to.
This matters because joy is not something you can add on later.
Joy is not a reward for having well-behaved kids. It’s the environment in which well-behaved kids grow.
When your nonverbal cues are constantly communicating stress, disapproval, or vigilance, your body never gets rest. Chronic stress builds and cortisol stays high. Energy drops and you start believing you’re one of those “low-energy moms.” Or a “not very fun mom.”
Or worse — feeling like a failure as a mom.
But that’s not who you are. That’s who you become when your nervous system never feels safe enough to soften.
So what if being a calmer, nicer, more joyful mom isn’t about trying harder…
What if it’s about learning to let God shine through you, so your child sees God’s love pouring through you.
Psalms 27:1 says
The Lord is my light and my salvation.
Your child’s behavior doesn’t change out of your disapproving look or your delated tone. Joy doesn’t undermine authority, it can actually strengthen it. When you model after God, seek his guidance, and utilize his loving firmness, it opens the door to communication with your child. God can do more in one moment than you could in years of correction.
It may not make sense but then again, God uses the dumb to confound the wise. He doesn’t ask you to understand how it works, he asks you to trust him that it does work.
So how do you do this? How do you parent with love and joy while correcting child behavior?
Your demeanor teaches more than your words ever could. Your kids are looking for love and connection from you but moms typically correct kids while maintaining an angry, stern, or even detached stance - you know the one I’m talking about, where you’re so tired of dealing with your kid’s behavior that you’re just done.
It’s easy to think that you need to show your kids that you’re not happy with their behavior but the truth is this tactic shuts them down, damages your relationship, and shuts God out.
Remember, you are the light of God but he can only shine through when you open up. Soften your face, relax your shoulders, breathe deeply. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you as you approach your kid about their behavior.
Understand that in doing this, you are not approving bad behavior — you are creating a safe environment that’s needed for correction to land. A calm, open, and loving presence tells a child, “You are safe, and we can talk about this”.
What you’re doing here is separating Godly firmness from human tension.
You can hold a boundary without carrying emotional weight. Think of Jesus— he was clear, grounded, loving, never frantic. The only time we heard him act out in anger was when he flipped the tables in the temple after seeing the place of worship being used as a marketplace.
But when he was dealing with sinners, he was always loving, building a relationship with them while calling out their wrongdoing and telling them to sin no more. He wanted to lead them to a place of salvation by drawing them in with the light of love, not the pain of a cattle prod.
When you release the belief that anger or callousness equals authority and step into the understanding that love and firmness can facilitate discipline, your brain and body finally gets permission to relax from fight or flight mode while parenting. It doesn’t make sense but you can go through motherhood without stress when you lean on God.
Trust that God’s way is better than the world’s way. The world says that you need to rule with an iron fist but God says that love and joy strengthens leadership.
Neuroscience shows that children’s brains are more receptive to guidance when they feel connected. Warmth doesn’t create permissiveness—it creates cooperation.
Go into the moment of discipline led by God, seeking to understand your child so that you can communicate with them in the way they need. When you seek to understand what’s going on in your child’s brain, suddenly you can see things from their perspective and guide them on how to act differently in the future.
This is so much better than commanding them to stop. When you take the time to have a conversation with your kids, you step into joint problem solving so they can look at their own behavior, what they were trying to accomplish with it, and take ownership in the solution.
My 3 year old had gotten into the habit of having an absolute meltdown at bedtime, screaming and throwing a fit. I found myself yelling at her, threatening consequences, and being so detached from her because I was fed up with this repeated behavior.
But then, one night, I asked God to help me. I took a deep breath and laid out the issue. Her behavior was not acceptable. Then I opened the door to communication, asking why she was doing this. As I began to understand what was really going on, I smiled at her, my heart filling with love. I could see her open up to correction in this moment.
I was able to explain that throwing a screaming fit wasn’t ok and that if she would have used her “big girl voice” to tell us what she wanted, we could have done it. By the end of our conversation she initiated her own solution saying that the next time she would use her big girl voice. And you know what? We have not had another screaming fit at bedtime again.
She owned the solution, even though it was the one I was telling her. Because it wasn’t a command. Instead it was a conversation that led her into adopting the solution as her own. That is the key to fixing child behavior problems.
Now something to keep in mind, this doesn’t mean the behavior problem will never happen again. I can almost guarantee that at some point or another, it will happen again, even if it’s months or years later. When that happens, just remember to turn to God and be the light to this world that allows God to shine through you.
This is the first half of how to parent with God’s loving firmness but there’s still one more step to ensure that you and your child can walk away without holding onto any residual disappointment or disapproval with their behavior.
Because it’s easy as a mom to walk away from an altercation with your child and feel like you still need to show them that their behavior was not ok. You’re trying to drive home the point that you’re not happy with them and they better not do it again.
But in order to let go of this negative tension in your body, we again turn to Jesus to see what he did and model after him. When Jesus was pointing out a person’s wrongdoing, he set an end to the moment of discipline. You see this when he told the woman caught in adultery, “Go and sin no more.” This allows you to be firm and disciplined in the moment but to give your child and yourself a clear command that the time of discipline is over and you’re both going to move on, free from condemnation.
What I like to do is to reiterate the altercation so your child knows exactly what they did wrong. Establish the consequence so they understand what will happen if they do it again.
And then mark the ending of discipline and beginning of moving on. That can sound something like: “Do you understand? Ok, don’t do it again. Now come on, let’s go have some fun.”
This shift allows yourself to experience delight in your child again. Laughing. Being playful.
Enjoying your kids and building your relationship with them. Not because everything is perfect—but because joy is part of how God restores you.
Galatians 5:22
Says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness.
It doesn’t say that joy is the result of perfect behavior. It’s not something you earn by managing your children correctly.
Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. Which means joy is something you receive when you turn to God and the Holy Spirit, focusing on the trinity instead of focusing on the problem at hand in front of you.
As you do this, you can’t help but be filled with love and joy because God is love. God is your salvation. And in him you find peace, not stress.
If you take one thing from today, let it be this:
Your joy is not the enemy of good behavior—it’s the soil it grows in.
This week, choose one moment a day to intentionally soften your body and smile at your kids. Drop your shoulders. Give them a hug. Breathe in the Holy Spirit.
Let joy lead—and trust God to handle the rest.
Thanks for joining me for this episode of Conquer Mom Stress. If today’s conversation encouraged you, hit follow and leave a review. That lets me know that these episodes are hitting the topics you need.
And while you’re there, share this podcast with another mom who might need to hear it.
Remember, this is your place to pause, reset, and start conquering mom stress — one small step at a time.
Motherhood isn’t meant to drain the life out of you.
It’s meant to be lived with joy, even on the messy days.
And together, we’re gonna find that joy again.
